Though the sun has risen, I find no reason to rise with it. I am in a state where I find no reason to do nothing and all I want to do is nothing.
The memories of pain flood my heart as I sit on my bed, my head bowed and my knees crooked. I hear the voices again – the voices of pain, more powerful than barricades and as sharp as swords. They pierce open wounds, causing more pain to ooze out.
“You can’t be here with us. You’re a heinous abomination!” Fr. Chika’s voice is the one that sticks out the most in my mind. Maybe it’s because he was the one I trusted the most.
He said he had my back, so I leaned on him, not realizing he was about to stab me in the back.
I went to him to confess my transgressions. ‘Promise me you won’t tell anyone,’ I said. He smiled reassuringly, his face as white as the robes he was wearing. ‘Of course, Mike,’ he said. ‘You can trust me,’ he said, and I decided to do so.
Moments of silence passed, and I heaved a heavy sigh, saying to him, ‘I think I’m gay.’ Again, silence reigned supreme. As my gaze wandered around his office, I felt his gaze on me. I started to feel cold – I’m not sure if it was from his air conditioning or the realization that my darkest secret had been revealed.
Finally, he sighed and asked, ‘What did you just say?’
‘I think I’m gay,’ I told him.
‘Why?’
‘I’m not sure…’ I’m finding myself attracted to boys.’ My heart was pounding in my chest as I blurted out. He stopped questioning me, patted me on the back, and prayed for me. At least temporarily, I felt relieved.
The temporary relief from his prayer wore off quickly, and I was back to fighting the raging torrents of my emotions.
I had to fight the rising of my middle man when I saw attractive men.
I had to fight the erotic images that ran through my head whenever I was alone with a guy.
I had to fight the urge to seek pleasure on the internet late at night.
I had to fight the urge to keep my hands away from my middle man and remain pure.
Some times, I won these battles, and sometimes, I lost and found myself overwhelmed with guilt and condemnation.
Days passed by and soon, it was Sunday. I dressed casually and reluctantly went to Church. Father Chika was preaching when I arrived. As I sat, it seemed as if he took notice of me and began to speak on homosexuality. “Homosexuality is a sin that God is strongly against! He condemns it seriously! Avoid all who claim to be gays” he preached aloud.
I wasn’t perturbed by his sermon; I believed God was against homosexuality. But I was perturbed by the fact that His eyes were fixed on me as he preached.
‘A person like Mike should not be here!’ The sound of my name dispelled the cloud of drowsiness and caused my heart to race faster. Everyone’s gaze was fixed on me. Whispers, murmurs, jeers, and scorns pierced my heart from various angles of the church hall.
‘Will you stand up?’ demanded the father. ‘This boy is an abomination in the eyes of God. He admitted to being a homosexual last week,’ the audience exclaimed. I buried my face in my palms to avoid the embarrassment of seeing my parents’ disgusted expression. ‘We excommunicate you from this fellowship as of today, Mike. No gays are welcome in God’s house!’
As I was led out of the church, all I could think about was, “Was it my fault?”As I was ushered out of the church, all I could ask within myself was, ‘Was it my fault?’
Was it my fault that I was drawn to men?
Did I ever fantasize about it?
Did I ever ask God for it?
Was it my fault that I was weak?
Was there anything I’d done to deserve it?
I walked away, my head bowed. I’d been turned down by the person I thought would save me.
I thought the Church was the light, but they have now made my life darker than it has ever been. And I’m still not sure if I’ll be able to get out of this bed and face the same people who rejected me.
Whether it happens or not, I want everyone who hears my story to understand that all I wanted was to be a normal person with a normal life.
Her kids used the door on her that very day. She said, “You have to choose: me or your father.” Their answer was not the reality she anticipated. Her two boys, Jason and Lance, turned their backs on her, stepped outside the house, and started for the gate. Their father; her ex husband; was waiting in the car outside. Last week, the final process for the divorce was made and she felt a great victory and also a great loss.
She was wearing her victory colour; white, throughout the entire week as a slur to everyone who knew about Victor and her.
During her university days, Victor was a really great guy. With his slouchy buzz cut, his signature oversized beige jacket, half-dead sandals, and his bright brown eyes. Those eyes were all she could think about back in the day. She would blank out from the Banking and Finance textbook before her and picture his face barely inches away from hers. She would bite her lower lip and imagine Victor’s lips on hers, wondering what it would taste like. She had not kissed before. It wasn’t something she projected as a must-do. But since Victor popped into her life it was all she could think about.
He was a Mechanical Engineering major when they met but he later changed his course due to his low examination scores. Victor wasn’t as smart as he talked and she never cared to realise that at the time. He was her first. She gave him her all without a worry in her heart, and he trained, harnessed, caressed, and nurtured her nakedness in ways she don’t think anybody would understand. Her friends and her parents knew when she started coitus because it showed in her body and in her grades. She worshipped Victor enough to not give a damn about her parent’s warnings when she decided to leave the school hostel and start living with Victor in his off-campus apartment. To her, it was the best adult decision she ever made at that point. To be with the man she cherished to the death of her everyday and have amazing body splooges was nothing more than a fantasy. But here she was, though in a heat with her parents and cut-off from her social circle, with HER man. She wouldn’t leave Victor for the world.
To everyone’s greatest surprise, they lived quite well; She and Victor. The power couple; The talk of the campus; the loquaciously obnoxious phony and the love-struck and clueless geek. They worked the remaining two years out and they graduated. She landed a job immediately after her graduation. It was the jump-start she needed to help her and the man she was still very much in love with and who, she doubted at the time, could do no wrong in her eyes. Victor graduated with a pass. He wasn’t as excited about the real world as she was; it was easy to read from his eyes and body. She knew these things.
Time ran so fast and she didn’t know when she missed her period, lost the baby, grieved, got pregnant again, lost her job, took online classes and got a better job, bought a house, moved in, put to bed, and was celebrating Jason’s fifth birthday in their front yard with all of Victor’s Real Estate colleagues and her social media advertisers. She and Victor decided that Jason’s birthday was the perfect opportunity to reveal the coming of the new baby. The crowd cheered for them. Their parents were happy for them. Victor was doing well for himself in Real Estate. She was living the dream.
After a lot of persuasion from both Victor’s parents and hers, they finally tied the knot. She, as a feminist, never believed in marriage solidifying the love between two people. In her opinion it was a cloaked cage; marriage caged the love. She had always been so afraid of getting married to Victor who very well knew her stand on the topic, and respected her opinion. It was a small celebration, with all the ‘right rites’ performed. She was still scared when she said those two words. But it had to be done for peace to reign. She has never been the type of person to conform no matter how concrete the penalties stand. But for this one time, in her entire life, she wanted to do it for her parents and Victor’s.
At first, nothing changed after they made it official. Lance came around and he was a beautiful child. Not as beautiful as Jason however. She groomed them as time passed and they grew from her adorable little noisemakers to responsible, enlightened, and handsome teens. The opposite occurred in the flame between her and Victor’s love; the communication dwindled. The sex wasn’t as it used to be. Her body was changing. She spoke to him a couple of times about it but he wasn’t responsive. He waved it off.
Then came the text message from an unknown number. ‘Leave my man alone!’ it read. It was starting to feel like a nightmare in the span of seconds. She needn’t logic or rational thought here. Her woman intuitive had done all the research before the text came. The text was merely a confirmation. But as a human being, she called the number and inquired who the person was.
The person behind the text message was Victor’s mistress and gave her name as Jennifer. She searched Jennifer on Facebook and found out that she had two children. Scrolling through Jennifer’s facebook gallery with a heavy and angry heart, she found a picture with the two ‘bundle of joy’ as Jennifer captioned, in it. They resembled Victor.
How long has this been going on? She confronted him when he came home that evening. He was stiff like a person with stroke. She watched the her loquacious husband’s words fail him. That proved a lot. She felt her entire universe of butterflies and fireflies replaced with wasps and bees. She had no one to talk to. She had no friends. She turned her back on everyone because of Victor. All of him! She hurted for months and months until she decided to get a divorce.
The last straw that broke the camel’s back was Jennifer’s baby bump in her recent facebook post. She’s been following the woman for a while and had engaged interaction. She found out that Jennifer and Victor have been seeing each other since the undergraduate days. Jennifer visited Victor whenever she went for lectures. Jennifer told her that there was a time she came back earlier than expected that she had to hide inside the bathroom while Victor cajoled her into going to get Suya while she escaped. Victor still visited her after their wedding and he also told Jennifer to relocate to the state for their meetings to be easier which she did. He even got Jennifer a job as a personal assistant to one of his Real Estate colleagues to erase all trace of suspicion.
It was a well thought-out plan to fuck. And Victor has fucked her up. The family she taught was perfect wasn’t. Victor!
In a matter of time she lost the perfect husband image of him. He meant nothing. The love died. Her children shouldn’t suffer this — she thought. So she filed for a divorce. During the cause of the process Victor bewailed and after a while he showed great acrimony towards her. He poisoned the minds of their children and she did not know.
Earlier that day she sat the boys down and told them everything that has been going on between her and dad. She didn’t know how they were going to process all of the information being thrown at them. She watched Jason’s eyes; no reaction. Lance’s too. When she was done talking she said, “I hope you understand. I’m here for you.” They both stared at the floor. They avoided eye contact. Then Jason spoke, “Dad’s coming to pick us up soon, mom. We can’t deal with all of this…and you. There’s no truth in you. I’m sorry to say.”
She blanked out. It was like the universe wore itself inside out. Her son just spoke to her that way. She didn’t know whether to cry or hit him with the back of her hand. It was disrespectful but it came from somewhere. Jason has never spoke to her in such a manner. Even when he was furious. She loved his self-control.
“What are you talking about, Jace?”
“Dad told us everything,” Lance said with trembling lips, “the real story. The real truth. Mom, we know that you cheated first, before he did.”
She watched her shy second son insult her and she couldn’t slap the black out of him. It was then and there that she understood the possibility of hating the person you once selflessly loved. A familiar honk came from outside. It was Victor’s car. He had moved his things out of the house the moment she filed the divorce. She knew he was staying with Jennifer and their children.
“Is that what he told you?” She asked both of them.
“Yes mom, and we are going to live with him there. We can’t stay with you mom. How could you do this to us and to dad?”
She heard the hurt in Jason’s voice. How in the world was she going to convince someone as uptight and as unflinching as her first son? She knew them to understand that any further explanation that contradicts to the one they conceded would infuriate them.
They had bags packed. “That’s dad calling us. We’re going mom.” They stood up, her two boys, towering over her. Jason’s growing broad chest and Lance’s slender frame. They walked out on her.
The Prison cell was a dark place, full of bugs and beetles and served as a haven for swarms of insects. It sat beneath the Castle, in the most hidden of apartments, all to ensure an escape was impossible.
It was in this cell that Polycarp and his family were held imprisoned. Polycarp’s hands and legs were chained, with cuffs draped with thorns. They caused his hands and legs to bleed, adding to the pains he had been in for days due to severe lashing from the soldiers.
His family, both blood and spiritual, sat down, in agony and pain as well, their lips silent, but their spirits, groaning and releasing cries to the Heavens. They were equally chained in like manner as Polycarp.
Their heads hung low, bowed in despair. They knew their fate; soon, they would have to chose between living for the world and dying for Christ; between rejecting Christ and defending His Gospel; they would have to chose between life and death.
But this was the fallen man’s view of their predicament. As they sat with heads bowed low, Polycarp raised a slow hymn, his voice was laden with anguish, making him sing the song slower than it was normally sung;
‘O blest communion, fellowship divine! We feebly struggle, saints in glory shine All are one in Thee, for all are Thine’
The Family responded, “Alleluia, Alleluia!”
Polycarp continued, ‘O may thy soldiers, faithful, true and bold, Fight as the saints who nobly fought of old, And win with them the victor’s crown of gold.’
The Family responded, “Alleluia, Alleluia”
‘The Golden evening brightens in the west; Soon, soon to faithful warriors comes their rest; Sweet is the calm of paradise the blessed.’
Response: Alleluia, Alleluia.
The hymn progressed, from being sung with low, sorrowful tones, to being sung with hope and joy. As they sang, bright, large, and glorious creatures with wings of glory descended into the prison yard. They weren’t there to liberate them from the cell, they were there to liberate the Saints from the terrors of the cell.
Their Presence, although unseen, was strongly felt across the cell. Strength flowed into the hearts of The Family; peace beyond understanding descended into their spirits, upholding them and guarding it against despair.
They sang the hymn, like a tourist walking through a beautiful garden, then they got to the final stanza, the verse that set their faces aglow with joy, even in the shadows of death.
‘But lo! There breaks a yet more glorious day; The Saints triumphant rise in bright array; The King of Glory passes on His way.’
They responded with a shout, “ALLELUIA, ALLELUIA!!!”
Just then, numerous guards of The Empire marched into the cell. It was time! The Elect exchanged glances amongst themselves, and with a nod of resignation, they stood up, walking towards the arena, as they were led by the Guards.
“All Hail King Jesus!” they exclaimed in the middle of the arena, their voice echoing around the arena. “I gave you a choice between life and death, yet, you chose death” The Emperor said to them, with pride in his voice.
Polycarp looked at him with boldness, “Your highness, to you, we chose death, that’s because your knowledge of life and death is fallen. The path we have chosen is the path to eternal life and everlasting glory!” he declared unto the Emperor.
The Family cheered with happiness. The Emperor smirked, he was enjoying this game. He ordered for the Lions to be released. “I’ll see you in heaven” Polycarp said to The Family.
They all smiled at one another, they would surely meet in Heaven, where there will be no sorrow, or pain, or tears; no crying; just joy, life eternal, glory and communion with The Father.
As they fell to the strength of the Lions, Angels, Michael, Raphael, Gabriel, all stood in respect, lifting their spirits off their bodies, and leading them unto the place where they would weep no more.
“If I told you,” Bimbo’s hands caressed the chunky mound on my cheeks, her eyes reminded me of firecrackers screaming like dead souls into the rambling Christmas night. “that anything you want, I can give it to you. Would you have a change of heart? ”
She was a beauté. One could get lost into the whirlpool of her eyes; stare hungrily at her full matted lips, or her voluminous thighs that spread over the chair like spilled milk.
A soft slap on the cheek brought me back to reality.
“Wake up.” She shifted a little from me.
“I wasn’t asleep.” I wondered how she was able to sustain her gaze for that long. There were many before her, many who dared to take the reins and pull something out of me, like a tea spoon of affection, but they all failed to hold my interest or my gaze.
“Just thinking about, you know, stuffs.”
“Is that so? See, I’m a Warri girl and I also have regal blood coarsing through me. I could wait a little bit, or I could go ferocious beast on you, and, you know, devour you here and now.”
We were sitting inside The Cube, a very noisy club close to Benin airport. I had offered to buy her a drink, she declined. Turns out, if I’m not the only available form of sustenance to her thirsty sultry soul, she was willing to die of dehydration.
“I admire your boldness.”
“How many girls have you told that line?”
“I don’t keep record.”
She laughed heartily for a second before resuming her gaze. “Are you trying to scare me?”
“Not really. Scaring you would be me reminding you about the royal blood Coarsing through your veins, and how Coarsing somehow has similar pronounciation to Coercing. Like the royalty in your blood, I’m Running out of patience.”
“I’m really impressed, that you could keep me here, watching you spew trash. While I get rejected and — ”
A group of guys walked by, checking her out. One stopped on his tracks, almost moon-walking to our table. The huge guy with a goatie mentions her name, the smile she gave was forced, obviously the guy’s presence wasn’t welcomed. He took his cue and left after exchanging greetings.
“You’re famous.” I mocked.
“Yeah, well, fame doesn’t get you the man you want.”
That’s it!
“Surely it can’t be me. Me that you met a week ago. Sure, my penis is powerful — magic rod. But I assure you, whatever it is you think you’re feeling right now, it isn’t love.”
“That thing of yours isn’t as magical as you make, it is your tongue. What a shame that you’re using such a glorious tongue to spew bullshit. If surely shut you up and make you put it to good use.”
Incredible!
“Okay, that’s hot.” I had to admit.
“And so are you, Afam.”
“Bimbo, I’m not sure of my feelings for you.”
“Then I’ll be here to reassure you. Trust me, if I was to use my List to rate you, you’d never be an option for me. You’re not making as much as I am, you’re loud as hell when you’re overly comfortable with someone, Afam your voice is terrible for singing and yet I couldn’t stop listening to you sing in the shower that morning. Sure you have a basic penis but I can manage. Your fingers and tongue skills is consolation. So fuck the fear and let’s build something good.”
Huh?
“Wait, so this shit ain’t about just fucks?”
“On the scale of one to ten, you’re an ‘abso-fucking-lutely not!’ if I were to choose a toy.”
She scooted closer and cupped my jaw with a hand, guiding my lips to hers. She sent her saliva of confusion down my throat and my brain resetted.
Then and there, entangled in a kiss, from a girl I met less than a week ago, I knew I was falling in love, and it was surely going to end in tears.
KOINONIA ART 