Biography | KOINONIA ART

Though the sun has risen, I find no reason to rise with it. I am in a state where I find no reason to do nothing and all I want to do is nothing.

The memories of pain flood my heart as I sit on my bed, my head bowed and my knees crooked. I hear the voices again – the voices of pain, more powerful than barricades and as sharp as swords. They pierce open wounds, causing more pain to ooze out.

“You can’t be here with us. You’re a heinous abomination!” Fr. Chika’s voice is the one that sticks out the most in my mind. Maybe it’s because he was the one I trusted the most.

He said he had my back, so I leaned on him, not realizing he was about to stab me in the back.

I went to him to confess my transgressions. ‘Promise me you won’t tell anyone,’ I said. He smiled reassuringly, his face as white as the robes he was wearing. ‘Of course, Mike,’ he said. ‘You can trust me,’ he said, and I decided to do so.

Moments of silence passed, and I heaved a heavy sigh, saying to him, ‘I think I’m gay.’ Again, silence reigned supreme. As my gaze wandered around his office, I felt his gaze on me. I started to feel cold – I’m not sure if it was from his air conditioning or the realization that my darkest secret had been revealed.

Finally, he sighed and asked, ‘What did you just say?’

‘I think I’m gay,’ I told him.

‘Why?’

‘I’m not sure…’ I’m finding myself attracted to boys.’ My heart was pounding in my chest as I blurted out. He stopped questioning me, patted me on the back, and prayed for me. At least temporarily, I felt relieved.

The temporary relief from his prayer wore off quickly, and I was back to fighting the raging torrents of my emotions.

I had to fight the rising of my middle man when I saw attractive men.

I had to fight the erotic images that ran through my head whenever I was alone with a guy.

I had to fight the urge to seek pleasure on the internet late at night.

I had to fight the urge to keep my hands away from my middle man and remain pure.

Some times, I won these battles, and sometimes, I lost and found myself overwhelmed with guilt and condemnation.

Days passed by and soon, it was Sunday. I dressed casually and reluctantly went to Church. Father Chika was preaching when I arrived. As I sat, it seemed as if he took notice of me and began to speak on homosexuality. “Homosexuality is a sin that God is strongly against! He condemns it seriously! Avoid all who claim to be gays” he preached aloud.

I wasn’t perturbed by his sermon; I believed God was against homosexuality. But I was perturbed by the fact that His eyes were fixed on me as he preached.

‘A person like Mike should not be here!’ The sound of my name dispelled the cloud of drowsiness and caused my heart to race faster. Everyone’s gaze was fixed on me. Whispers, murmurs, jeers, and scorns pierced my heart from various angles of the church hall.

‘Will you stand up?’ demanded the father. ‘This boy is an abomination in the eyes of God. He admitted to being a homosexual last week,’ the audience exclaimed. I buried my face in my palms to avoid the embarrassment of seeing my parents’ disgusted expression. ‘We excommunicate you from this fellowship as of today, Mike. No gays are welcome in God’s house!’

As I was led out of the church, all I could think about was, “Was it my fault?”As I was ushered out of the church, all I could ask within myself was, ‘Was it my fault?’

Was it my fault that I was drawn to men?

Did I ever fantasize about it?

Did I ever ask God for it?

Was it my fault that I was weak?

Was there anything I’d done to deserve it?

I walked away, my head bowed. I’d been turned down by the person I thought would save me.

I thought the Church was the light, but they have now made my life darker than it has ever been. And I’m still not sure if I’ll be able to get out of this bed and face the same people who rejected me.

Whether it happens or not, I want everyone who hears my story to understand that all I wanted was to be a normal person with a normal life.

Aiden Wilson Tozer was born April 21, 1897, on a small farm among the spiny ridges of Western Pennsylvania. Within a few short years, Tozer, as he preferred to be called, would earn the reputation and title of a “20th-century prophet.”

Able to express his thoughts in a simple but forceful manner, Tozer combined the power of God and the power of words to nourish hungry souls, pierce human hearts, and draw earthbound minds toward God.

When he was 15 years old, Tozer’s family moved to Akron, Ohio. One afternoon as he walked home from his job at Goodyear, he overheard a street preacher say, “If you don’t know how to be saved . . . just call on God.”

When he got home, he climbed the narrow stairs to the attic where, heeding the preacher’s advice, Tozer was launched into a lifelong pursuit of God.

In 1919, without formal education, Tozer was called to pastor a small storefront church in Nutter Fort, West Virginia. That humble beginning thrust him and his new wife Ada Cecelia Pfautz, into a 44-year ministry with The Christian and Missionary Alliance.

Thirty-one of those years were spent at Chicago’s Southside Alliance Church. The congregation, captivated by Tozer’s preaching, grew from 80 to 800.

In 1950 Tozer was elected editor of the Alliance Weekly now called Alliance Life. The circulation doubled almost immediately. In the first editorial dated June 3, 1950, he set the tone: “It will cost something to walk slow in the parade of the ages while excited men of time rush about confusing motion with progress. But it will pay in the long run and the true Christian is not much interested in anything short of that.”

Tozer’s forte was his prayer life which often found him walking the aisles of a sanctuary or lying face down on the floor. He noted, “As a man prays, so is he.”

To him the worship of God was paramount in his life and ministry. “His preaching as well as his writings were but extensions of his prayer life,” comments Tozer biographer James L. Snyder. An earlier biographer noted, “He spent more time on his knees than at his desk.”

Tozer’s love for words also pervaded his family life. He quizzed his children on what they read and made up bedtime stories for them. “The thing I remember most about my father,” reflects his daughter Rebecca, “was those marvelous stories he would tell.”

Son Wendell, one of six boys born before the arrival of Rebecca, remembers that, “We all would rather be treated to the lilac switch by our mother than to have a talking-to by our dad.”

Tozer’s final years of ministry were spent at Avenue Road Church in Toronto, Canada. On May 12, 1963, his earthly pursuit of God ended when he died of a heart attack at age 66. In a small cemetery in Akron, Ohio, his tombstone bears this simple epitaph: “A Man of God.”

Some wonder why Tozer’s writings are as fresh today as when he was alive. It is because, as one friend commented, “He left the superficial, the obvious and the trivial for others to toss around. . . . [His] books reach deep into the heart.”

His humor, written and spoken, has been compared to that of Will Rogers–honest and homespun. Congregations could one moment be swept by gales of laughter and the next sit in a holy hush.

For almost 50 years, Tozer walked with God. Even though he is gone, he continues to speak, ministering to those who are eager to experience God. As someone put it, “This man makes you want to know and feel God.”

Source: Sermonindex.net